this is how i feel

unpredictable

mission failed. i should have known. but either way, this is life. unpredictable. consistency is nowhere to be found.

i never finish my work. if i have three owls, i only do two. i think i try to stick it to the man but really im lazy and selfish and i feel productive only for doing little. i guess thats one trait about me i cannot deny: i want to do as little as possible for as big of a reward as possible

its a sad way to live.

im a sad way to live...but when youre nineteen and on your own, you realize that you have only a few years left to not need to rely on yourself. you have a few years to live life carefree, drug filled, and unpredictable. i am so young... and i am so unaware of whats to come.

im going to try living for the moment. if that means grades dropping, its a worthy payoff.

adam is coming this weekend. he wanted to hang out with rachel and me like old times. but there are no old times. things change, they always change. its depressing, but for every friend i lose, the bond i have with those still in my life is strengthened, it is given more meaning, and it represents a true relationship.

i dont know.

i guess im an optimist secretly wishing to be a pessimist. i cant be that sad. i cant go back to wanting life to be about darkness. because she has gotten better, and if she did, then i fucking better. because her pain is endless and mine is finite.

i dont know, i guess its just nothing

places i miss

these are my favorite places, and i miss them. everything that i am today is a result of these places.

the cliffs of moher

lake ossipee



cairns


chi-town


deutschland

eight days

its been eight long days- yet school-free and work filled. perhaps my sins only go hand in hand with my studies....but i have no clue where things will end up.

i havent taken a pill in eight days.... this is a record
since three years
and now
i dont know
i feel normal.....slow....and tired.
and im scared of what i will do.

fuck myself for doubting myself. fuck my zombie ways and how they consumed my life.
if i quit it all together, then wont it still be just as much on my mind as it was before?
even in a life of quitting, it still would consume my thoughts and mind like it is now.
it would still maintain control.

one

i walked to the store to buy toilet paper and food. i took the bus to my classes today and yesterday. i never knew how easy it would be to not be able to drive my car. i am getting sick of living alone. i have ants in my apartment. i always feel like theres something i should be doing that im not.