this might be the key

i feel like my body is like the show lost. i found a clue to why my skin is so stretchy, i have anxiety and depression, and im over flexible and have an indented sternum:

quote:
People with hypermobility syndrome may develop other conditions caused by their lax connective tissues. These conditions include Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease (GERD), Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS), varicose veins, flat feet, scoliosis, sprains, tendonitis, and bursitis. People with hypermobility syndrome may be at increased risk of early-onset osteoarthritis, and there is evidence linking hypermobility syndrome to anxiety and depression.[2][3]

THEN I FIND OUT A MORE SPECIFIC ONE DIRECTLY ADDRESSING MY PECTUS ESCAVATUM:

Common symptoms are unstable, flexible joints with a tendency to dislocate and subluxate, due to ligaments which are overly stretchable, and elastic, fragile, soft skin that easily forms welts and scars. "It was the recommendation of a workshop convened in Berlin by Beighton (1986) that the Ehlers-Danlos designation be used for joint hypermobility with skin changes" [1] in contrast to hypermobility syndromes without skin changes, once known as EDS type 11 (Mendelian Inheritance in Man (OMIM) 147900). Other symptoms can include eye problems, such as lens dislocation and nearsightedness. Bone deformities such as pectus excavatum (sunken chest) or scoliosis may present early. Most serious consequences are due to vascular and organ fragility, which are less frequent.[1


i am not a hypchondriac, i definetly have ehler-danlos syndrome

library ramble

i think the umass library is a very odd place. there are lots of people here for various reasons, many of which dont seem to involve studying. i have been falling behind in schoolwork recently.

i failed a test on evolution, my favorite subject (i even consider it my relgion)
i missed a chem lab today because i drank too much last night
i am not doing so hot in my three science classes, and i can only expect my gpa to fall below a 3.0, which would ruin my whole dream of this college thing. i might end up being one of those college dropouts i never understood in the past.

only a few weeks left...and then i am home for summer. to a relaxed state of mind and no more being alone all the time. i dont know why my moods change so much, i go from loving having my own apartment to now hating it so much.

by the way, i found out there is a homeless guy living in the bridge under the entrance to my apartment. he is an old chinese man who has quite a solid collection of cans and bottles. he also explains why there were footprints in the snow leading to my kitchen window. i think he is harmless, but if i am found murdered in my apartment, remember it was this chinese man.

i hope i do better. i hope i make myself proud. right now i feel like:
- im wasting my parents money
- im using money they dont even realize got deposited into my account and spending it on not so good things

i know this was boring, but i need it for my own record that i was absolutely aware of the inevitable downfall soon to come. peace

INFJ - "Author". Strong drive and enjoyment to help others. Complex personality. 1.5% of total population.

Free Jung Personality Test (similar to Myers-Briggs/MBTI)

well, im finally participating in a school project. heres a sneak peak at my article. the note was found in my suite, written from donald to rob. i changed the names though, even though donald insists on having them changed back. this is one of many finds from umass that will slowly but surely end up in the magazine.

on living alone

something just occurred to me. this might be the one and only time i will live alone in my entire life. i am sitting here, and i just thought to myself "i have so many movies, how come i havent watched any in weeks?" and i realized its because im living. im keeping busy. last semester in my single dorm room i watched a different movie everyday with my door open. now i dont even remember i have them to watch.

it is this very moment that i have been waiting for ever since i found out i am moving in. i now know that the past two months have actually changed me. i was so uncomfortable here in the beginning. i thought i needed to clean up every dirty thing, pick up everything on the floor. i was overwhelmed with domestic chores.

but i found my way. i found a way that works. i feel like this is a home finally, and i dont give a shit that dishes are over-piling the sink. i am just so happy to be here. replace happy with lucky. replace lucky with unlucky. then try: confused, lonely, excited, overwhelmed, oblivious, drunk.

i keep yelling at myself for fucking up my grades. but you know what. i have a feeling college is just like high school, and finishing is all that really matters. and either way, ill get by. college is a luxury for most people not a necessity. at least im learning something that i know for sure will be relevant to my future, and that is how to live on your own.

i also learned im a boring writer when im sober

katy

i love my cousin katy. she is my best friend and the other half of my soul. one time our souls hung out while we were sleeping in different parts of the country. one time we were gonna kill ourselves together while we were boiling broccoli. things have changed since then, for one i no longer believe we would have talked to our families on john edwards (katy still does). we have had some good times, mostly bad times, but thats not our fault.

we are family. its hard to have a sense of family when your parents like to date a new person every ten minutes and hate each other more than hitler hated jews (but christopher columbus was way worse than hitler). its also hard when you worry about your siblings/cousins lives on a regular basis. its also fuckin hard when people die. my point is, im glad to have katy in my life because otherwise i would probably run away and never want anything to do with my family, except my sister. and shes the only member of my family who knows almost everything about me.

one time we got into some hookers car in florida and she drove us around to gas stations and then she drove in the wrong lane. we have an uncle who used to be a professional bowler, he gave me tons of cigarettes and then told on me. he gave another family member some oxycontin and then told on her. we have an aunt who ran away because shes a lesbian. she eats a cereal bowl full of pills every morning and lives with her partner and two cats in minnesota. and these are just the extended family members.

theres also this lady who used to live upstairs who thought she was fuckin nostradamus and claims to have predicted plain crashes and train accidents. she also thinks she used to be a maiden in king arthurs court.

ok... if i kept up with the people we have interacted with together, i would go on forever. just wait for the book to come out.

this is how i feel

unpredictable

mission failed. i should have known. but either way, this is life. unpredictable. consistency is nowhere to be found.

i never finish my work. if i have three owls, i only do two. i think i try to stick it to the man but really im lazy and selfish and i feel productive only for doing little. i guess thats one trait about me i cannot deny: i want to do as little as possible for as big of a reward as possible

its a sad way to live.

im a sad way to live...but when youre nineteen and on your own, you realize that you have only a few years left to not need to rely on yourself. you have a few years to live life carefree, drug filled, and unpredictable. i am so young... and i am so unaware of whats to come.

im going to try living for the moment. if that means grades dropping, its a worthy payoff.

adam is coming this weekend. he wanted to hang out with rachel and me like old times. but there are no old times. things change, they always change. its depressing, but for every friend i lose, the bond i have with those still in my life is strengthened, it is given more meaning, and it represents a true relationship.

i dont know.

i guess im an optimist secretly wishing to be a pessimist. i cant be that sad. i cant go back to wanting life to be about darkness. because she has gotten better, and if she did, then i fucking better. because her pain is endless and mine is finite.

i dont know, i guess its just nothing

places i miss

these are my favorite places, and i miss them. everything that i am today is a result of these places.

the cliffs of moher

lake ossipee



cairns


chi-town


deutschland

eight days

its been eight long days- yet school-free and work filled. perhaps my sins only go hand in hand with my studies....but i have no clue where things will end up.

i havent taken a pill in eight days.... this is a record
since three years
and now
i dont know
i feel normal.....slow....and tired.
and im scared of what i will do.

fuck myself for doubting myself. fuck my zombie ways and how they consumed my life.
if i quit it all together, then wont it still be just as much on my mind as it was before?
even in a life of quitting, it still would consume my thoughts and mind like it is now.
it would still maintain control.

one

i walked to the store to buy toilet paper and food. i took the bus to my classes today and yesterday. i never knew how easy it would be to not be able to drive my car. i am getting sick of living alone. i have ants in my apartment. i always feel like theres something i should be doing that im not.